Auth Lamb searches 4 auth food in Middlebrow Modern American Cuisine Restaurant

Lamb: What should I try here?
Waiter: We specialize in small plates (tapas style) dining.
Lamb: How small are your plates?
Waiter: Smaller than 12 inches, I believe.
Lamb: I am looking for a series of auth bites, not feast-wave or share-wave dining. I am alone. This is not a social experience 2 me.
Waiter: Maybe you can try our foie gras poppers? They are one of our most popular items.
Lamb: What kind of aioli do they come with?
Waiter: Mint hibiscus tea infused with lardo and seasonal salmon scale zest.
Lamb: This is not auth cuisine.
Waiter: Would you like to see a cocktail menu?
Lamb: I don’t do cocktails. Shit is 2kLate as fuck. Tell that bartender mixologist that wearing vests = fucking over, bro.
Waiter: Why don’t u just go lamb around? Why r u here? Shouldn’t you be on a free range?

Lamb: I am authing around. The world is my free range. I just got back from auth lessons.
Waiter: Are you one of those urban animals?
Lamb: No, I am a young professional searching for meaning in the city. I am not a pet. I am not being farmed. I will not be slaughtered.
Waiter: Would you like for me to bring the dessert tray?
Lamb: Are you fucking kidding me?
Waiter: How about some coffee?
Lamb: Cold Brew?
Waiter: Huh?
Lamb: Mad auth espresso?
Waiter: We have an electronic machine, yes.
Lamb: How about some chill ass pour over wave?
Waiter: We have a pot that brewed 2 hours ago.
Lamb: This restaurant is not auth whatsoever.
Waiter: I assure you that just because we are farm to table doesn’t mean u should h8 us because u r a farm animal.
Lamb: I’m not a farm animal. I’m a customer.
Waiter: What is auth?
Lamb: Auth sounds like goth.
Waiter: I’ve heard of healthgoth.
Lamb: You are the wackest mother fucker in the world, and so is this restaurant. Please do not take a photograph of me and turn me into a post-hipster web meme that is also shared for ‘cuteness.’ I am a real lamb, trying to live an auth life, eating a diner al fresco [via outdoor vibes]. This world feels like it was not meant 4 me, nor does this wack ass restaurant that serves the same ol Modern American cuisine that I could find in any city/town/restaurant/chain. I feel so lost and alone, I wanted to connect with ‘art’ [via food] but here I am. Talking to you. I’m just an auth lamb. Can’t I just auth around?

Waiter: What do u usually eat?
Lamb: My diet primarily consists of auth flavored soylent.

What is the authest thing 2 eat?
Is this lamb auth or BAAAAHuth? [via nauth]

• ← Carles.Buzz – A Vibe I’ve Felt With No One Else [Unscalable Buzz MP3]
• Did u hear abt the SouthBi Buzzband? →